Hannah Montanna Assassinates Jeffree Starr

Nobody really liked Hannah Montanna. Sure, she had all those eleven-year-old fans who were willing to drop 2 k plus on her arena tour, but, really, she knew that those didn't count. Did eleven year olds have any kind of a taste in music? No, they did not, and therefore couldn't be real fans. And every demographic that Hannah Montannah did consider to have good taste in music seemed to be avoiding her like the plague. Hannah Montannah blamed Disney for this. If only they wouldn't market her like a teeny-bop pop princess, and maybe let her viewers and listeners see into the real woman that she was, Hannah knew that she would be able to garner an audience of real music fans. The kind of people who sit around in coffee shops and discuss the latest releases of bands like Minus The Bear, before heading off to see a show in some dingy club with twenty other people. Hannah sighed. The sadest part was that she didn't even know who Minus The Bear were, and yet they were obviously so much cooler than her. She contemplated how it was possible that everybody knew who she was, and yet she was uncool... uncool and unrespected.
***
And so, Hannah developed a plan. She didn't tell anybody, because the whole purpose of this plan was to prove that she could do anything she put her mind to... alone. She wrote it down in her sparkling pink and purple diary, wrote it down in her blue furry pen with the cheetah print, and knew that this plan would not fail.
***
Hannah Montanna had an older brother, Trace. Trace was in a band called Metro Station, and therefore, Hannah Felt that he must have connections... connections with Cool People. Hannah asked Trace to introduce her to some of the coolest people that he knew. Trace introduced her to the band Cobra Starship, but Miley didn't like the girl, Vicky T, because Vicky T had better fashion sense than her. Hannah knew that there must be cooler people out there. Trace introduced Hannah to every American-Apparel-shopping, scene-music-generating band that he knew, but Hannah knew that none of them were the coolest people in the world. Hannah was almost ready to give up her search, until the day that she met Jeffree Starr. Jeffree had come to see Trace's band play, and Hannah had met him backstage. When Hannah saw the blinding glow of his pinknes, and saw the way that he was the bitchiest, scenest person in the room without even trying, she knew that he was the one.
***
And so that night, Hannah suffocated J* with a pillow, and then confessed everything to the press, who ate it up. And finally, all of the Cool People noticed her, and gave her more than two seconds thought. However, the only respect that she got from them was the respect that anyone would get for killing J*, which was that they were amazed he hadn't absolutely killed her just for looking at him, much less strangling him with a pillowcase. But that's just the way it goes for those Disney-fueled singers.

Keltie Coleen Kills Herself

Keltie Coleen had been dancing for years when she met Ryan Ross. When she recieved that fateful phonecall from her manager, telling her that she was needed to dance for a band called Panic! At The Disco - "some Marilyn-Manson-wannabes," in her manager's opinion, which showed how much her manager knew - it did not even cross her mind that she would soon begin a long relationship with the guitarist of the very band that she would be dancing for. However, when Ryan and Keltie first layed eyes on each other, something just clicked... at least it seemed to for Ryan. Keltie had never been all that attracted to Ryan, but she liked the pretty things that he bought for her, so she had decided not to dump him for the time being. The only problem was, as P!ATD became more and more famous, Ryan became more and more dependant on Keltie to comfort him when the press, or even a random blogger, said something unkind about P!ATD. Keltie did not want Ryan to be unhappy, and it wasn't as though she had anything better to do than date the lead guitarist of a ridiculously popular band, so she never did get around to telling him that it was over.
***
"Keltie!" Ryan's eyes shone with an invigorated glow that nobody had seen since he was in highschool, "Keltie! I missed you so, so much!"
"Ryan! You're back!" Keltie answered, coming out of the kitchen of her apartment, which Ryan had just entered.
Ryan had been on tour lately, and he and Keltie hadn't seen each other in weeks. While she had missed Ryan, Keltie had to admit to herself that she enjoyed not having to look out for his feelings. Being by herself gave her time to spend time with some of her friends from before she met Ryan, friends who she hadn't seen in a long time. But now Ryan was back, and it was time to put all that behind her. She had work to do.
"Oh, Keltie, it's so good to see you!" Ryan's eyes filled with an inocent sadness, "I've heard so many cruel things, Keltie! Some of them were said right to my face. There was one dick," a look of pure hatred came over his face, "He called me a fag. I hate that word! Like I'm gay. Like there's even anything wrong with being gay!"
Keltie's heart was breaking. How could she ever have thought those mean things about Ryan? She looked at his shining eyes, and knew that she would never be able to bring herself to do anything that would bring him more sadness than he already dealt with. It was almost as though he was her little brother, one that she was commited to taking care of, no matter how unhappy it made her.
***
Two weeks later, Keltie was finding herself more and more bored in Ryan's company. She tried to tell herself that things could be worse. She remembered a time when the lead singer of Panic!, Brendon Urie, had been going out with Audrey Kitching. Keltie had been expected to pal around with Audrey, who had obviously taken being an internet phenomenon to heart. After a few weeks with good ol' Audrey, Keltie was sure she would pull out her own fingernails if she ever heard the words "Hello Kitty" again.
Even though things were better now, Keltie found herself wishing that Ryan would just leave her alone, cease to exist, whatever. Whenever she caught herself thinking things like this, the guilt would set in and she would try to forget about it, although it was difficult to forget about the hours that she spent trying to sit through Ryan babbling on about whatever was on his mind. So she started trying to get Ryan to dump her.
***
"Ryan!" Keltie called, "Ryan! What are you doing?"
Ryan and Keltie had been going for a walk in the park, and Ryan had stopped to get a picture with a few fans that had spotted them.
"Ryan, this was supposed to be time for just you and me! How can you think of your fans at a time like this?" Keltie knew that if there was one thing Ryan hated, it was turning down fans for an aughtograph. Once he saw that she was going to prevent him from signing every one that came his way, Keltie was sure that he would dump her.
"But, Keltie..." Ryan looked longingly at his fans, and then, to Keltie's surprise, sheepishly turned and followed her.
***
Keltie tryed for months on end to get Ryan to dump her, but soon found that nothing she could do would ever be seen as wrong in his eyes. So she decided to do something... drastic. Keltie Colleen decided to commit suicide.
Keltie would sit up at night trying to talk herself out of it, but everytime she remembered Ryan's needy eyes, her resolve would become iron-clad. It's like my life isn't my own anymore, she would think to herself, I have to get out of here!
And so it came to pass that one night, after a fit of crying and listening to Hinder (hey, she though, if I'm going to die anyway I may as well be as miserable as possible) Keltie filled the bath tub with water and got into it fully dressed. She then produced a razor blade and began to cut accross her wrist, but then stopped. I should stop being a wimp and slit my wrists like I mean it, she thought. She then proceeded to cut up the vein.
***
The next day, Ryan found her. It ruined his life for a little while, but he soon recovered, and went on to write the best lyrics of his life about this tramatic event. So, it was all for the best, after all.
***
The End

Fall Out Boy Assassinate Ashlee Simpson

"Tra-la-la!" sang out Pete Wentz as he skipped into Patrick Stump's apartment, "What's happening, Pat?" he asked.
Patrick was the singer of the band Fall Out Boy, the same band that Pete played the bass in. Andy Hurley and Joe Trohman rounded the group out as the drummer and kick-ass guitarist. Patrick sighed wearily and answered, "Trying to get some peace and quiet. And Pete, why are you... skipping?" he raised his eyebrows incredulously.
"It's because I'm in lo-o-o-ove!" Pete held out the last word while twirling in a circle.
"Not again?" asked Patrick. He knew how it was with Pete, a new "one true love" every month.
"Oh, don't be like that, Pat!" said Pete, grinning and rolling his eyes, "You're such a skeptic. If I didn't know better, I'd think you were jealous!"
"You wish. So, who's the lucky girl?"
"Oh, just a little person I like to call... Ashlee Simpson."
Patrick gasped, "What? Ashlee "I-can't-really-sing-live-I-just-lipsynch" Simpson? Pete! How could you?"
"There's no need to get pissy." Pete frowned, "And I'd appreciate it if you'd have some respect. She is my girlfriend, after all."
"Pete!"
"That's enough!" said Pete angrily, "If you aren't happy for me, I'll just go find someone who is!"
"Pete, I hope you realize that none of your fan-girls are going to be happy for you, either." said Patrick, "So blogging about Ashlee on friendsorenemies.com is not going to get you any sympathy."
"Yes it will! You don't know anything!" cried Pete as he stalked out of Patrick's apartment.
Patrick sighed and picked up the phone. He was going to have to do something about this...
***
An hour later, Patrick, Joe, and Andy had congregated at a local Starbucks. Patrick had three venti mochas in front of him, as well as a decaf caremal macchiato. Joe had an espresso, but was too busy tapping away on his game boy to drink any of it. Andy was sipping a fresh carrot and apple smoothie.
"So, Pat, why did you ask us to meet you here?" asked Andy, "Joe! Knock that off!" he glared at Joe who sheepishly put his game boy down and took a sip of his espresso.
"Well, Pete just told me that he has a new girlfriend." Patrick said.
"Hey Hey You You-"Joe burst into song, but at a murderous glance from Andy cut himself off with a "Sorry."
"Do you have to sing that every time someone mentions the word 'girlfriend'?" asked Patrick, "And anyway, this is important because guess who Pete's new love interest is?"
"Umm... Madonna?" asked Joe.
"Worse. It's," Patrick took a deep breath as he prepared to deliver the terrible news, "Ashlee Simpson."
There was an absolute silence at the table as Pat's words sank in. Finally, Joe broke the ice, "You're kidding." he said.
"I wish I was." Patrick answered, "But it's true. Luckily, I have a plan."
"What is it?" asked Andy, "Although if it involves cruelty to animals you know I can't participate. It's a principals thing."
"Andy, why would my plan to brake Pete and Ashlee up involve cruelty to animals?" asked Patrick.
"I dunno. Just making sure." said Andy, "So anyway, what is your plan?"
"My plan," said Patrick, "Is to make Pete fall in love with Jeffree Star so that he forgets Ashlee even exists!"
***
The following is a phone conversation between Patrick Stump (PS) and Jeffree Star (J*)
J*: Hi it's Jeffree.
PS: Jeffree! Buddy! How's it goin'?
J*: Who the fuck are you?
PS: Patrick Stump.
J*: Omigod! Pat! You don't mind if I call you Pat, right? This is just such an honor! What do you want?
PS: Well... I think this might sound a little strange...
J*: This is me you're talking to. I think I can handle "strange".
PS: Well, the thing is... Well... Um... You know Pete Wentz, right?
J*: Oh, sure! What a cutie.
PS: Yeah, well... I kind of need you to, um, seduce him.
J*: What?
PS: I knew you wouldn't want to. Tell you what, sorry I called, just forget I said anything-
J*: No, I meant do you actually want me to seduce seduce him, or just cause a little crush? Take his mind off of something? Or someone...
PS: Oh! Uh... Whatever you want, I guess-
J*: OK, see ya.
***
Pete's fingers pounded the keyboard furiously. Much as he hated to admit it, Patrick had been right. He wasn't getting much support for his love of Ashlee Simpson online. He looked up as he heard the doorbell ring.
"Pete Wentz! How are you?" Jeffree Star smiled as Pete opened the door.
"Um, OK, I guess..." Pete looked at J* questioningly.
"I bet you're wondering why I dropped by!" Jeffree's voice dripped with sweetness.
"Uh, yeah..."
"The truth is, I just had to see you."
"Had to see me?"
"Yes." Jeffree smiled coyly at Pete.
"Wait..." said Pete.
Barging past Pete and into his apartment, Jeffree said, "Sometimes, I swear, men can be so dense." he paused and fluttered his fake eyelashes at Pete. The next thing he knew, Jeffree had been pushed out of the apartment and was standing looking angrily at a closed door.
"If you messed up my hair..." he said warningly before marching off to make an angry phone call.
***
The following is yet another phone conversation between Patrick Stump (PS) and Jeffree Star (J*).
PS: Hello?
J*: [uninterpretable string of insults and derogatory terms]
PS: Jeffree?
J*: [dial tone]
***
The next day Patrick called Joe and Andy back to the same Starbucks and told them that his plan had failed. After much speculation they decided that the best thing to do would be to simply kill Ashlee Simpson.
"I think we should slit her throat with a knife." said Joe.
"How about a butcher knife?" asked Andy, "As kind of a reference to Jeffree Star. You know, he has that song 'eyelash curlers and butcher knives (what's the difference?)', so it could be like kind of an ironic reference to the fact that he wasn't able to save Ashlee's life by getting Pete to break up with her..."
"You think too much." said Joe, "But I think that a butcher knife is definitely the way to go."
***
That very night, while Pete and Ashlee were in a darkened movie theater, Joe (who had been given the task of sneaking up on them because he was deemed the most agile) quietly crawled along the sticky floor, trying not to crunch on any spilled popcorn, until he made it to where the two lovebirds were sitting. Then, without further ado, he reached up and slit Ashlee's throat before scurrying away.
***
I will leave it up to you to imagine the chaos that ensued when the lights went up and Pete saw the corpse of his love interest laying dead on the plush seats of the movie theater. I assure you it was well worth the fact that Joe's jeans were all sticky for weeks afterward.
***
The End

Schoolyard Heroes Assassinate... Everybody

Ryann Donnelly, the vocalist of the band Schoolyard Heroes, shuddered and turned off her car radio. "I can't believe that there isn't a law or something against playing that crap." She said.
"It's just Nickelback." said Jonah Bergman, the bassist of Schoolyard Heroes, who was sitting in the passenger seat beside her, "You should be used to them dominating the charts by now."
"I know, I know," answered Ryann, "But it just seems like the DJ should give us a little peace once and a while."
"And by 'peace', you mean that Danish death-metal band you've been obsessed with lately." said Jonah, smirking, "Somehow, I don't think that would go over so well with all the mainstream-music-lovers that listen to this station."
"You know," said Ryann thoughtfully, "If those mainstream-music-lovers didn't exist... Well, we could listen to Danish death-metal all we wanted, couldn't we?"
"Are you sugesting that we...?" said Jonah hopefully.
"Indeed I am. It's time," said Ryann dramatically, "For a killing spree!"
Ryann pulled a u-turn and began heading in the opposite direction.
"Where are you going?" asked Jonah.
"To Steve's house!" cried Ryann, reffering to Steve Bonnell, the guitarist of Schoolyard Heroes, "We obviously can't kill an entire nation of people without Steve's help."
When Jonah and Ryann reached Steve's house, Ryann hopped out of the car without bothering to stop the engine.
"Steve! Steve!" she cried, banging on his door, "Jonah and I have a plan! We need your help!"
A sleepy Steve opened the door, rubbing his eyes, "Ryann, do you know what time it is?" he asked sourly, "Couldn't you wait until after eight AM to tell me your brilliant plan?"
"Oh, you won't want to wait another second to hear this plan," said Jonah, who had been left to turn off Ryann's car, and therefore had just barely reached Steve's door, "Tell him, Ryann!"
"We're going to kill all the mainstream-music-lovers in America!" said Ryann excitedly.
"But... that's over three-quarters of the American population!" cried Steve in surprise.
"Exactly! We can get the other quarter of the population to help us!" said Jonah.
"Do you think they will?" asked Steve incredulously.
"Of course." sniffed Ryann, "They hate Nickelback as much as we do, after all."
"So... Are you in?" asked Jonah.
"Of course!" cried Steve, "I'll do all that I can to help!"
"Great! Now all we have to do is recruit Brian, and we'll be set!" said Ryann.
The three of them hopped into Ryann's car and drove off in the direction of the house of Brian Turner, the Schoolyard Heroes drummer. Brian was outside watering his garden when they arrived.
"Woah. What are you guys doing here?" asked a confused Brian, "Steve, what are you even doing up so early?"
"We have important business, Brian!" called Steve, "Get in the car and come with us!"
Once Brian had seated himself in the car, Ryann, Jonah, and Steve explained their plan to him.
"Well, I'll certainly help!" said Steve happily, "So. Where are we going now?"
"Oh, I thought we'd all head over to my house." said Ryann, "I'll make us some snacks so that we have plenty of energy for the big massacre. Then, we have a show in Tacoma, which is when we'll announce our intentions to the fans. They'll help us for sure."
***
Ryann jumped into the air and spun around three hundred and sixty degrees as she belted out the last note of "Sincerely Yours, Jonathan Harker". Once the appluase from the crowd died down, Jonah made his announcement:
"Alright, I have something to say!" he cried, "But first, I need to ask you something. Are you tired of being ignored by the radio people when you request a song that isn't popular?"
"YEAH!" the crowd roared.
"Are you sick of being called a loser because nobody else likes the music that you listen to?"
"YEAH!" screamed the crowd.
"Well so are we!" shouted Jonah, getting into his speech, "And we're going to do something about it! Tonight, Ryann, Steve, Brian, and myself are going to go on the rockingest killing spree ever, and we need your help! Will you join us?"
"YEAH!" the crowd answered enthusiasticly.
"I said, 'WILL YOU JOIN US?!'" screamed Jonah.
"YEAH!" the crowd erupted in noise.
"Then come up on stage and follow me!" shouted Jonah, hopping up and down in exitement.
Jonah ran backstage, followed by the rest of Schoolyard heroes, as well as the entire audience.
"Here are your weapons!" said Ryann, fighting to be heard over the noise of the crowd, "Now go out, get all your friends, and wreak some havoc!" she began handing out knives, hammers, and anything that looked even remotely dangerous.
The crowed screamed one last time before stampeding out of the venue where the show had been. Ryann looked fondly after them.
"I swear," she said, "We have the best fans ever. I mean, seriously. Who else has fans that would go out and kill their friends and neighbors for them?"
"Come on, Ryann, we don't have much time!" cried Steve, "We have to kill everybody before the sun comes up! It won't be as much fun to do it in broad daylight!"
The band grabbed a few knives and ran out the way that their fans had gone. The sight that greeted their eyes as they reached the street was truly beautiful. Everywhere they looked, people in Abercrombie & Fitch were screaming and being chased by bloodthirsty Schoolyard Heroes fans with weapons. The band members breathed deeply of the chaos before diving in.
By two AM, there were no mainstream-music-lovers in sight, and the crusaders were slapping each other on the back good-naturedly while wiping blood from their clothes. It was at that moment that a timid fan aproached the members of Schoolyard Heroes.
"Um," said the fan, "All of us fans have talked about it, and since we killed everybody, including the government officials, we want you guys to be the new rulers of America."
"Us?" said a speachless Ryann.
"But..." stammered Steve.
"This is huge!" said Jonah, stating the obvious.
"We accept!" cried Brian jovially.
And so it came to pass that Schoolyard Heroes took their rightful place upon the throne of America, which henceforth became, ironically, the most peaceful country in the world, as well as the only one that truly rocked hardcore.
***
The End.

My Chemical Romance Assassinate Count Dracula

"Gerard! Guess what!" cried Mikey Way, the bassist for the band My Chemical Romance and the brother of Gerard Way, who was the lead singer,"I just read The. Best. Book. Ever!"
Gerard sighed at his younger brother's enthusiasm, and put down the book that he had been reading. He looked across the living room to Mikey, "And what book was that, Mikey?"
"It was called Dracula! You have to read it! It's about -"
"Wait, you mean you've never heard of Dracula?" asked Gerard incredulously, "Mikey, don't you remember? I used to idolize the Count! I wanted to be him!"
"Um... When was this?" asked Mikey.
"Oh, I don't know... It must have been elementary school... you must remember!"
"Sorry."
An exasperated look crossed over Gerard's face, "Ray! Frank! Bob!" he called, "Come hear! Listen to this!"
Into the room walked the two guitarists of MCR, Ray Torro and Frank Iero, along with Bob Bryar, the drummer.
"What is it, Gerard?" asked Bob.
"Oh, nothing, really, it's just that my own brother didn't know who Dracula was until today!" screamed Gerard.
"Oh." said Bob.
"I see." said Ray.
"Who cares?" asked Frank.
"Who care - What?! I - Omigod!" wailed Gerard, "I can't believe no one can see what a big deal this is!"
"It's not like you can't lead a succesful life without knowing who Count Dracula is," said Ray matter-of-factly, "I mean, look at Mikey!"
Everyone turned and stared at Mikey, who grinned broadly.
"Ray? That was... Maybe not the best example." said Bob.
"Hey!" cried Mikey.
"Whatever. The point is," said Gerard as a hurt expression crossed his face, "Mikey didn't care enough about my childhood interests to pay attention to who I idolized!"
"Oh, Gerard, if I had known..." said Mikey sorrowfully, "I'll tell you what. I am going to prove to you how much I care by building a time machine!" He looked around to see if everyone was astounded by this marvelous plan.
"Mikey?" asked Frank, "How is building a time machine going to prove to Gerard that you care about Count Dracula?"
"Oops. I guess I left that part out." said Mikey, "I will use that time machine to transport us back to the time of Count Dracula, and Gerard will get to meet his hero!"
***
The next day, Mikey called the entire band into the living room again.
"Now, I know that my idea to build a time machine didn't get the greatest response," he began, "In fact, some of you even doubted my ability to build such a thing." here he looked directly at Frank, "And then the issue of Count Dracula being a fictitous character came up." He shot a dirty look at Ray, "But, I am proud to say, that after much hard work -"
"It's only been a day." Ray pointed out.
"...After much hard work," continued Mikey, "I have built a time machine!"
With that he pulled away a sheet that had been covering a large item in the corner of the room.
"Mikey?" asked Bob, "I hate to judge, but... It's a cardboard box."
"Indeed it is!" said Mikey, "but no ordinary cardboard box! This cardboard box will carry us through the winds of time -"
"It's 'sands of time'." said Ray helpfully.
"...Through the sands of time, to Transylvania!" finished Mikey.
"Yay!" Gerard cried, clapping.
"Let's go now!" said Frank, hopping into the box.
"All aboard!" said Mikey, clanging a cowbell.
"Ooh! Where'd you get the bell?" asked Bob.
"That's my secret." said Mikey with an air of supiriority.
After the entire band had sqeezed into the box, Mikey said, "Shut your eyes now!"
"Why?" asked Frank.
"Just... Do it." said Mikey, gritting his teeth.
***
After a few seconds, Mikey told the band that they could open their eyes. What they saw astounded them
"Oh." said Gerard reverently.
They were in a small Transylvanian village, at one end of which sat a large, sprawling mansion. The peasants that scurried from house to house looked at the band curiously.
"Mikey! You really did it! You really made a time machine!" cried Bob in excitement.
"Told ya. Oh!" exclaimed Mikey, "That must be the Count's mansion!" he pointed to the mansion at the end of the village.
"Excuse me," said a peasant man in english, "Can I help you?"
"Omigod!" cried Gerard, "You must be Jonathan Harker!"
"Um, no." said the peasant, and backed slowly away.
"Hello, dearies," said another peasant, this time a woman, "But you wouldn't be needing a place to stay, would you? My inn is -"
"Omigod!" cried Gerard, "You must be Jonathan Harker!"
"Well, I never!" said the woman, and flounced away.
"We'd better get him out of here before he ofends anyone else." said Ray. "Let's go to the Mansion, shall we?"
***
When the band members reached the castle, they were huffing and puffing. Gerard had even broken a stick off of a nearby tree and was using it as a walking stick.
"I'll just knock on the door -" said Ray.
"NO! I wanna knock! It's not fair!" cried Gerard, "He's my hero! Why can't I knock?!"
"Fine! You knock!" said Ray.
Grinning, Gerard walked up to the door, and knocked three times. A fine-looking gentleman dressed all in black opened the door...
"Hello! Who are you?" he asked.
"I'm, uh, Gerard Way!" said Gerard shyly, "Are you Count Dracula?"
"I am indeed." said the Count, smiling. "Welcome to my house! Enter freely and of your own will!"
"High five!" cried Gerard, raising his hand, which held his forgotten walking stick...
...That accidently stabbed Count Dracula in the heart.
"Iiieeeeeeeee!!!!!" screamed the Count. He writhed and squirmed, "What have you done?!" he wailed, and with that, he desintegrated into a pile of dust.
"Oh, no!" Cried Gerard in agony, "What have I done?"
"Time to go!" said Mikey guiltily.
It took the effort of Bob, Ray, Frank, and Mikey to drag the hysterical Gerard back to the time machine. By the time they got back to their own world, Gerard was curled up it the fetal position, trembling and muttering over and over again, "I've killed him. Killed him."
"Gerard!" said Mikey, slapping his brother in the face, "Get over it!"
"Maybe," suggested Frank, "You'll feel better if you write a song about it."
Gerard immediatly stopped shaking and uncurled himself.
"A... Song?" he said tentatively.
"Yes! Now go!" commanded Ray.
Gerard scurried off to a different room to start writing, while the rest of the band looked at each other in amazement.
"I can't believe that worked!" said Frank proudly.
"Oh, he's going to have nightmares about this." said Mikey, shaking his head sadly, "Songwriting can't distract him forever."
"Whatever." said Ray, "The point is, don't take him anywhere in your time machine again, okay?"
"Alright." said Mikey, pouting, "I guess I'll have to burn it."
"Good idea."said Ray.
"Although that was pretty fun..." said Bob regretfully.
"Don't even." said Frank warningly.
"Alright, whatever, I'm going." said Bob sulkily.
The three remaining members watched him go, then set out to burn Mikey's time machine. After that, they lived happily ever after for the rest of the day.
***
The End

Panic! At The Disco Assassinate Pete Wentz

It was a slow day for the members of the band Panic! At The Disco. They were sitting around in the early-afternoon sunlight that shone through the windows of their practice space, which, at the moment, was not exactly being used for practicing...
"Agghhh!" groaned Brendon Urie, the lead singer of Panic!, who had just bean beaten at chess by Ryan Ross, the guitarist, "I don't believe it! You beat me! You never beat me!" a suspicious look crossed his face, "You've been practicing, haven't you? You've been hiding away in secret and practicing!"
Ryan rolled his eyes, "Brendon, I haven't been practicing. Just admit it: you suck."
"Um, guys?" said Spencer Smith, the drummer of the band, cautiously, "Not to interrupt or anything, but I think it's time we found something to do before you guys rip each other's throats out."
"I agree. You guys are scaring me." said Jon Walker, P!ATD's bassist.
"But we are doing something!" cried Brendon, "We're playing chess!"
"No, you're fighting. Now, what shall we do?" asked Spencer.
"Uhhh..." Said Ryan "We could, um, go shopping?"
"Dude, we just went shopping yesterday." said Spencer, "Next suggestion?"
"Ooh! Ooh! I know!" shouted Brendon, waving his hand in the air, "We could..." he looked around the room dramatically, then leaned in and whispered, "Kill Pete Wentz."
"What?" asked Ryan.
"I didn't catch that." said Jon.
"Brendon, I'm all the way accross the room, do you honestly expect me to hear what you're saying when you whisper?" said Spencer crossly.
"I said we could kill Pete Wentz," said Brendon sulkily "The point of the whispering thing is that you're supposed to come closer when-
"You think we should kill Pete Wentz?!?" Asked Ryan incredulously, "If it weren't for Pete our record label wouldn't exist!"
"Yeah!" put in Spencer helpfully.
"I kinda liked his idea..." said Jon meekly.
"You see? Jon likes my idea!" Exclaimed Brendon, "So it's settled! I'll meet you all at Port Of Subs tomorrow so that I can unveil my master plan!"
"You have a master plan?" asked Ryan eagerly.
"Oh, I will, Ryan, I will."
***
The next day, the boys met bright and early at their favorite Port Of Subs location. When they were all gathered around a table eating, Brendon began:
"As many of you know, we have gathered here today in order to discuss the assassination of one Peter Wentz-"
"Woah, his real name's Peter?" Asked Jon incredulously, "That's, like... so weird..."
"Um, yeah. Anyway," Brendon continued, "I have stayed up long into the night, and have decided that the best way to kill him will be as follows-"
"Wait a minute, 'as follows'? What's with all the big words?" asked Jon.
"Jon, will you please let Brendon get a word in edgewise?" asked Spencer angrily.
"Thank you, Spencer." said Brendon, "As I was saying, in order to kill Pete, we will first need to slip unnoticed into his home. We will then pretend to be plumbers sent to unclog one of his toilets-"
"But what if we can't find plumber disguises?" asked Ryan.
"Then we will have to make our own." said Brendon simply, "As you can see, I've thought this all out very well.'
"What will we do once he thinks we're plumbers?" asked Jon.
"The we will hide in his bathroom, until long after he thinks that we have left," continued Brendon, "Eventually, he will need to use the bathroom that we will be hiding in, and when he comes through the door, we will hit him on the head with our plumbing tools." Brendon looked around proudly, "Well, whaddya think?"
"I think that's a great idea, Brendon!" cried Ryan supportively.
"Heh... I liked the part where we get to hit him with our plumbing tools." said Jon.
"Well..." said Spencer hesitantly, "It definately sounds like fun... Let's do it!"
***
The boys rushed out of the Port Of Subs and immediatly sprang into action.
"Spencer! You gather the plumber disguises!" ordered Brendon, "Ryan! You figure out where Pete's house is!"
"You mean you don't know?" asked Ryan.
"Better safe than sorry, I always say!" cried Brendon, "Jon! You have the most important mission of all!"
"What's that?" asked Jon.
"You have to gather the plumbing tools that we will use to kill Pete Wentz!" Brendon told him enthusiastically.
"I'm on it!" said Jon happily.
"Good! I'll meet you all at Starbucks in an hour!"
With that the four of them rushed off in opposite directions.
An hour later, the boys met up again at Starbucks with their various pieces of information and/or materials.
"Good work, men!" cried Brendon, "I'm very proud of you!"
"What have you been doing all this time?" asked Spencer.
"Doing my nails." replied Brendon, "Now, I think it's time we suit up and move out!"
***
By the time the band reached Pete Wentz's house, they were tired, grimy, impatient, and looked just like plumbers. Brendon stepped up to ring the doorbell.
"Hello?" said Pete Wentz as he answered the door, "Who are you?"
"Um, we're, uh, plumbers!" said Brendon, "We need to unplug your toilet!"
"Oh, um, okay, I guess..." said Pete, "I don't remember calling a plumber, but I guess I must have..."
"We'll take it from here." said Brendon firmly as he walked past Pete into the house, followed by the rest of P!ATD.
After Pete was out of earshot, Brendon turned to the rest of the band and said, "Our plan is working perfectly! Now all we have to do is find the bathroom and wait there for a few hours!"
"Um, about that..." said Spencer hesitantly, "Do we actually know where the bathroom is?"
"Oh. Well, we'll find it eventually!" Said Brendon.
After wandering around Pete's huge house for three hours, Ryan meekly suggested that they give up.
"What? And call it quits before our mission is finished? Never!" exclaimed Brendon.
"I actually think Ryan is right," said Spencer, "I mean, what if we never find the bathroom?"
"What? No! Jon! You think we should go on, don't you?" pleaded Brendon.
"Huh? Oh, um... my feet hurt..." said Jon, "So... no. Sorry Brendon."
Brendon opened his mouth, about to launch into a melodramatic fit of fury, but just then, they rounded a corner and saw Pete.
"Who...? Oh, my god! You guys are still here?" asked Pete incredulously, "Here, let me show you the way out." he added helpfully.
Before they knew it, the boys in Panic! were standing outside of Pete Wentz's house.
"Well, that settles that, I suppose." said Spencer.
"To bad we didn't get to kill him..." sighed Ryan regretfully.
"Hmph." said Brendon. "Well, I guess there's nothing we can do about it now." with that he walked away, leaving the three remaining members of Panic! At The Disco standing around dejectedly.
"Do you think he'll be okay?" asked Ryan worriedly.
"Oh, he'll be fine. He's just sulking" said Spencer, rolling his eyes.
"You guys? I gotta go now," said Jon, "See you at the practice space tomorrow?"
"Yup," answered Spencer, "Same time as always!"
After Jon had left, Ryan said, "You know what I just realized?"
"What?" asked Spencer.
"Brendon's ideas suck." said Ryan, "See ya!"
And with that the two walked away in opposite directions.
***
The End.