Schoolyard Heroes Assassinate... Everybody

Ryann Donnelly, the vocalist of the band Schoolyard Heroes, shuddered and turned off her car radio. "I can't believe that there isn't a law or something against playing that crap." She said.
"It's just Nickelback." said Jonah Bergman, the bassist of Schoolyard Heroes, who was sitting in the passenger seat beside her, "You should be used to them dominating the charts by now."
"I know, I know," answered Ryann, "But it just seems like the DJ should give us a little peace once and a while."
"And by 'peace', you mean that Danish death-metal band you've been obsessed with lately." said Jonah, smirking, "Somehow, I don't think that would go over so well with all the mainstream-music-lovers that listen to this station."
"You know," said Ryann thoughtfully, "If those mainstream-music-lovers didn't exist... Well, we could listen to Danish death-metal all we wanted, couldn't we?"
"Are you sugesting that we...?" said Jonah hopefully.
"Indeed I am. It's time," said Ryann dramatically, "For a killing spree!"
Ryann pulled a u-turn and began heading in the opposite direction.
"Where are you going?" asked Jonah.
"To Steve's house!" cried Ryann, reffering to Steve Bonnell, the guitarist of Schoolyard Heroes, "We obviously can't kill an entire nation of people without Steve's help."
When Jonah and Ryann reached Steve's house, Ryann hopped out of the car without bothering to stop the engine.
"Steve! Steve!" she cried, banging on his door, "Jonah and I have a plan! We need your help!"
A sleepy Steve opened the door, rubbing his eyes, "Ryann, do you know what time it is?" he asked sourly, "Couldn't you wait until after eight AM to tell me your brilliant plan?"
"Oh, you won't want to wait another second to hear this plan," said Jonah, who had been left to turn off Ryann's car, and therefore had just barely reached Steve's door, "Tell him, Ryann!"
"We're going to kill all the mainstream-music-lovers in America!" said Ryann excitedly.
"But... that's over three-quarters of the American population!" cried Steve in surprise.
"Exactly! We can get the other quarter of the population to help us!" said Jonah.
"Do you think they will?" asked Steve incredulously.
"Of course." sniffed Ryann, "They hate Nickelback as much as we do, after all."
"So... Are you in?" asked Jonah.
"Of course!" cried Steve, "I'll do all that I can to help!"
"Great! Now all we have to do is recruit Brian, and we'll be set!" said Ryann.
The three of them hopped into Ryann's car and drove off in the direction of the house of Brian Turner, the Schoolyard Heroes drummer. Brian was outside watering his garden when they arrived.
"Woah. What are you guys doing here?" asked a confused Brian, "Steve, what are you even doing up so early?"
"We have important business, Brian!" called Steve, "Get in the car and come with us!"
Once Brian had seated himself in the car, Ryann, Jonah, and Steve explained their plan to him.
"Well, I'll certainly help!" said Steve happily, "So. Where are we going now?"
"Oh, I thought we'd all head over to my house." said Ryann, "I'll make us some snacks so that we have plenty of energy for the big massacre. Then, we have a show in Tacoma, which is when we'll announce our intentions to the fans. They'll help us for sure."
***
Ryann jumped into the air and spun around three hundred and sixty degrees as she belted out the last note of "Sincerely Yours, Jonathan Harker". Once the appluase from the crowd died down, Jonah made his announcement:
"Alright, I have something to say!" he cried, "But first, I need to ask you something. Are you tired of being ignored by the radio people when you request a song that isn't popular?"
"YEAH!" the crowd roared.
"Are you sick of being called a loser because nobody else likes the music that you listen to?"
"YEAH!" screamed the crowd.
"Well so are we!" shouted Jonah, getting into his speech, "And we're going to do something about it! Tonight, Ryann, Steve, Brian, and myself are going to go on the rockingest killing spree ever, and we need your help! Will you join us?"
"YEAH!" the crowd answered enthusiasticly.
"I said, 'WILL YOU JOIN US?!'" screamed Jonah.
"YEAH!" the crowd erupted in noise.
"Then come up on stage and follow me!" shouted Jonah, hopping up and down in exitement.
Jonah ran backstage, followed by the rest of Schoolyard heroes, as well as the entire audience.
"Here are your weapons!" said Ryann, fighting to be heard over the noise of the crowd, "Now go out, get all your friends, and wreak some havoc!" she began handing out knives, hammers, and anything that looked even remotely dangerous.
The crowed screamed one last time before stampeding out of the venue where the show had been. Ryann looked fondly after them.
"I swear," she said, "We have the best fans ever. I mean, seriously. Who else has fans that would go out and kill their friends and neighbors for them?"
"Come on, Ryann, we don't have much time!" cried Steve, "We have to kill everybody before the sun comes up! It won't be as much fun to do it in broad daylight!"
The band grabbed a few knives and ran out the way that their fans had gone. The sight that greeted their eyes as they reached the street was truly beautiful. Everywhere they looked, people in Abercrombie & Fitch were screaming and being chased by bloodthirsty Schoolyard Heroes fans with weapons. The band members breathed deeply of the chaos before diving in.
By two AM, there were no mainstream-music-lovers in sight, and the crusaders were slapping each other on the back good-naturedly while wiping blood from their clothes. It was at that moment that a timid fan aproached the members of Schoolyard Heroes.
"Um," said the fan, "All of us fans have talked about it, and since we killed everybody, including the government officials, we want you guys to be the new rulers of America."
"Us?" said a speachless Ryann.
"But..." stammered Steve.
"This is huge!" said Jonah, stating the obvious.
"We accept!" cried Brian jovially.
And so it came to pass that Schoolyard Heroes took their rightful place upon the throne of America, which henceforth became, ironically, the most peaceful country in the world, as well as the only one that truly rocked hardcore.
***
The End.

My Chemical Romance Assassinate Count Dracula

"Gerard! Guess what!" cried Mikey Way, the bassist for the band My Chemical Romance and the brother of Gerard Way, who was the lead singer,"I just read The. Best. Book. Ever!"
Gerard sighed at his younger brother's enthusiasm, and put down the book that he had been reading. He looked across the living room to Mikey, "And what book was that, Mikey?"
"It was called Dracula! You have to read it! It's about -"
"Wait, you mean you've never heard of Dracula?" asked Gerard incredulously, "Mikey, don't you remember? I used to idolize the Count! I wanted to be him!"
"Um... When was this?" asked Mikey.
"Oh, I don't know... It must have been elementary school... you must remember!"
"Sorry."
An exasperated look crossed over Gerard's face, "Ray! Frank! Bob!" he called, "Come hear! Listen to this!"
Into the room walked the two guitarists of MCR, Ray Torro and Frank Iero, along with Bob Bryar, the drummer.
"What is it, Gerard?" asked Bob.
"Oh, nothing, really, it's just that my own brother didn't know who Dracula was until today!" screamed Gerard.
"Oh." said Bob.
"I see." said Ray.
"Who cares?" asked Frank.
"Who care - What?! I - Omigod!" wailed Gerard, "I can't believe no one can see what a big deal this is!"
"It's not like you can't lead a succesful life without knowing who Count Dracula is," said Ray matter-of-factly, "I mean, look at Mikey!"
Everyone turned and stared at Mikey, who grinned broadly.
"Ray? That was... Maybe not the best example." said Bob.
"Hey!" cried Mikey.
"Whatever. The point is," said Gerard as a hurt expression crossed his face, "Mikey didn't care enough about my childhood interests to pay attention to who I idolized!"
"Oh, Gerard, if I had known..." said Mikey sorrowfully, "I'll tell you what. I am going to prove to you how much I care by building a time machine!" He looked around to see if everyone was astounded by this marvelous plan.
"Mikey?" asked Frank, "How is building a time machine going to prove to Gerard that you care about Count Dracula?"
"Oops. I guess I left that part out." said Mikey, "I will use that time machine to transport us back to the time of Count Dracula, and Gerard will get to meet his hero!"
***
The next day, Mikey called the entire band into the living room again.
"Now, I know that my idea to build a time machine didn't get the greatest response," he began, "In fact, some of you even doubted my ability to build such a thing." here he looked directly at Frank, "And then the issue of Count Dracula being a fictitous character came up." He shot a dirty look at Ray, "But, I am proud to say, that after much hard work -"
"It's only been a day." Ray pointed out.
"...After much hard work," continued Mikey, "I have built a time machine!"
With that he pulled away a sheet that had been covering a large item in the corner of the room.
"Mikey?" asked Bob, "I hate to judge, but... It's a cardboard box."
"Indeed it is!" said Mikey, "but no ordinary cardboard box! This cardboard box will carry us through the winds of time -"
"It's 'sands of time'." said Ray helpfully.
"...Through the sands of time, to Transylvania!" finished Mikey.
"Yay!" Gerard cried, clapping.
"Let's go now!" said Frank, hopping into the box.
"All aboard!" said Mikey, clanging a cowbell.
"Ooh! Where'd you get the bell?" asked Bob.
"That's my secret." said Mikey with an air of supiriority.
After the entire band had sqeezed into the box, Mikey said, "Shut your eyes now!"
"Why?" asked Frank.
"Just... Do it." said Mikey, gritting his teeth.
***
After a few seconds, Mikey told the band that they could open their eyes. What they saw astounded them
"Oh." said Gerard reverently.
They were in a small Transylvanian village, at one end of which sat a large, sprawling mansion. The peasants that scurried from house to house looked at the band curiously.
"Mikey! You really did it! You really made a time machine!" cried Bob in excitement.
"Told ya. Oh!" exclaimed Mikey, "That must be the Count's mansion!" he pointed to the mansion at the end of the village.
"Excuse me," said a peasant man in english, "Can I help you?"
"Omigod!" cried Gerard, "You must be Jonathan Harker!"
"Um, no." said the peasant, and backed slowly away.
"Hello, dearies," said another peasant, this time a woman, "But you wouldn't be needing a place to stay, would you? My inn is -"
"Omigod!" cried Gerard, "You must be Jonathan Harker!"
"Well, I never!" said the woman, and flounced away.
"We'd better get him out of here before he ofends anyone else." said Ray. "Let's go to the Mansion, shall we?"
***
When the band members reached the castle, they were huffing and puffing. Gerard had even broken a stick off of a nearby tree and was using it as a walking stick.
"I'll just knock on the door -" said Ray.
"NO! I wanna knock! It's not fair!" cried Gerard, "He's my hero! Why can't I knock?!"
"Fine! You knock!" said Ray.
Grinning, Gerard walked up to the door, and knocked three times. A fine-looking gentleman dressed all in black opened the door...
"Hello! Who are you?" he asked.
"I'm, uh, Gerard Way!" said Gerard shyly, "Are you Count Dracula?"
"I am indeed." said the Count, smiling. "Welcome to my house! Enter freely and of your own will!"
"High five!" cried Gerard, raising his hand, which held his forgotten walking stick...
...That accidently stabbed Count Dracula in the heart.
"Iiieeeeeeeee!!!!!" screamed the Count. He writhed and squirmed, "What have you done?!" he wailed, and with that, he desintegrated into a pile of dust.
"Oh, no!" Cried Gerard in agony, "What have I done?"
"Time to go!" said Mikey guiltily.
It took the effort of Bob, Ray, Frank, and Mikey to drag the hysterical Gerard back to the time machine. By the time they got back to their own world, Gerard was curled up it the fetal position, trembling and muttering over and over again, "I've killed him. Killed him."
"Gerard!" said Mikey, slapping his brother in the face, "Get over it!"
"Maybe," suggested Frank, "You'll feel better if you write a song about it."
Gerard immediatly stopped shaking and uncurled himself.
"A... Song?" he said tentatively.
"Yes! Now go!" commanded Ray.
Gerard scurried off to a different room to start writing, while the rest of the band looked at each other in amazement.
"I can't believe that worked!" said Frank proudly.
"Oh, he's going to have nightmares about this." said Mikey, shaking his head sadly, "Songwriting can't distract him forever."
"Whatever." said Ray, "The point is, don't take him anywhere in your time machine again, okay?"
"Alright." said Mikey, pouting, "I guess I'll have to burn it."
"Good idea."said Ray.
"Although that was pretty fun..." said Bob regretfully.
"Don't even." said Frank warningly.
"Alright, whatever, I'm going." said Bob sulkily.
The three remaining members watched him go, then set out to burn Mikey's time machine. After that, they lived happily ever after for the rest of the day.
***
The End

Panic! At The Disco Assassinate Pete Wentz

It was a slow day for the members of the band Panic! At The Disco. They were sitting around in the early-afternoon sunlight that shone through the windows of their practice space, which, at the moment, was not exactly being used for practicing...
"Agghhh!" groaned Brendon Urie, the lead singer of Panic!, who had just bean beaten at chess by Ryan Ross, the guitarist, "I don't believe it! You beat me! You never beat me!" a suspicious look crossed his face, "You've been practicing, haven't you? You've been hiding away in secret and practicing!"
Ryan rolled his eyes, "Brendon, I haven't been practicing. Just admit it: you suck."
"Um, guys?" said Spencer Smith, the drummer of the band, cautiously, "Not to interrupt or anything, but I think it's time we found something to do before you guys rip each other's throats out."
"I agree. You guys are scaring me." said Jon Walker, P!ATD's bassist.
"But we are doing something!" cried Brendon, "We're playing chess!"
"No, you're fighting. Now, what shall we do?" asked Spencer.
"Uhhh..." Said Ryan "We could, um, go shopping?"
"Dude, we just went shopping yesterday." said Spencer, "Next suggestion?"
"Ooh! Ooh! I know!" shouted Brendon, waving his hand in the air, "We could..." he looked around the room dramatically, then leaned in and whispered, "Kill Pete Wentz."
"What?" asked Ryan.
"I didn't catch that." said Jon.
"Brendon, I'm all the way accross the room, do you honestly expect me to hear what you're saying when you whisper?" said Spencer crossly.
"I said we could kill Pete Wentz," said Brendon sulkily "The point of the whispering thing is that you're supposed to come closer when-
"You think we should kill Pete Wentz?!?" Asked Ryan incredulously, "If it weren't for Pete our record label wouldn't exist!"
"Yeah!" put in Spencer helpfully.
"I kinda liked his idea..." said Jon meekly.
"You see? Jon likes my idea!" Exclaimed Brendon, "So it's settled! I'll meet you all at Port Of Subs tomorrow so that I can unveil my master plan!"
"You have a master plan?" asked Ryan eagerly.
"Oh, I will, Ryan, I will."
***
The next day, the boys met bright and early at their favorite Port Of Subs location. When they were all gathered around a table eating, Brendon began:
"As many of you know, we have gathered here today in order to discuss the assassination of one Peter Wentz-"
"Woah, his real name's Peter?" Asked Jon incredulously, "That's, like... so weird..."
"Um, yeah. Anyway," Brendon continued, "I have stayed up long into the night, and have decided that the best way to kill him will be as follows-"
"Wait a minute, 'as follows'? What's with all the big words?" asked Jon.
"Jon, will you please let Brendon get a word in edgewise?" asked Spencer angrily.
"Thank you, Spencer." said Brendon, "As I was saying, in order to kill Pete, we will first need to slip unnoticed into his home. We will then pretend to be plumbers sent to unclog one of his toilets-"
"But what if we can't find plumber disguises?" asked Ryan.
"Then we will have to make our own." said Brendon simply, "As you can see, I've thought this all out very well.'
"What will we do once he thinks we're plumbers?" asked Jon.
"The we will hide in his bathroom, until long after he thinks that we have left," continued Brendon, "Eventually, he will need to use the bathroom that we will be hiding in, and when he comes through the door, we will hit him on the head with our plumbing tools." Brendon looked around proudly, "Well, whaddya think?"
"I think that's a great idea, Brendon!" cried Ryan supportively.
"Heh... I liked the part where we get to hit him with our plumbing tools." said Jon.
"Well..." said Spencer hesitantly, "It definately sounds like fun... Let's do it!"
***
The boys rushed out of the Port Of Subs and immediatly sprang into action.
"Spencer! You gather the plumber disguises!" ordered Brendon, "Ryan! You figure out where Pete's house is!"
"You mean you don't know?" asked Ryan.
"Better safe than sorry, I always say!" cried Brendon, "Jon! You have the most important mission of all!"
"What's that?" asked Jon.
"You have to gather the plumbing tools that we will use to kill Pete Wentz!" Brendon told him enthusiastically.
"I'm on it!" said Jon happily.
"Good! I'll meet you all at Starbucks in an hour!"
With that the four of them rushed off in opposite directions.
An hour later, the boys met up again at Starbucks with their various pieces of information and/or materials.
"Good work, men!" cried Brendon, "I'm very proud of you!"
"What have you been doing all this time?" asked Spencer.
"Doing my nails." replied Brendon, "Now, I think it's time we suit up and move out!"
***
By the time the band reached Pete Wentz's house, they were tired, grimy, impatient, and looked just like plumbers. Brendon stepped up to ring the doorbell.
"Hello?" said Pete Wentz as he answered the door, "Who are you?"
"Um, we're, uh, plumbers!" said Brendon, "We need to unplug your toilet!"
"Oh, um, okay, I guess..." said Pete, "I don't remember calling a plumber, but I guess I must have..."
"We'll take it from here." said Brendon firmly as he walked past Pete into the house, followed by the rest of P!ATD.
After Pete was out of earshot, Brendon turned to the rest of the band and said, "Our plan is working perfectly! Now all we have to do is find the bathroom and wait there for a few hours!"
"Um, about that..." said Spencer hesitantly, "Do we actually know where the bathroom is?"
"Oh. Well, we'll find it eventually!" Said Brendon.
After wandering around Pete's huge house for three hours, Ryan meekly suggested that they give up.
"What? And call it quits before our mission is finished? Never!" exclaimed Brendon.
"I actually think Ryan is right," said Spencer, "I mean, what if we never find the bathroom?"
"What? No! Jon! You think we should go on, don't you?" pleaded Brendon.
"Huh? Oh, um... my feet hurt..." said Jon, "So... no. Sorry Brendon."
Brendon opened his mouth, about to launch into a melodramatic fit of fury, but just then, they rounded a corner and saw Pete.
"Who...? Oh, my god! You guys are still here?" asked Pete incredulously, "Here, let me show you the way out." he added helpfully.
Before they knew it, the boys in Panic! were standing outside of Pete Wentz's house.
"Well, that settles that, I suppose." said Spencer.
"To bad we didn't get to kill him..." sighed Ryan regretfully.
"Hmph." said Brendon. "Well, I guess there's nothing we can do about it now." with that he walked away, leaving the three remaining members of Panic! At The Disco standing around dejectedly.
"Do you think he'll be okay?" asked Ryan worriedly.
"Oh, he'll be fine. He's just sulking" said Spencer, rolling his eyes.
"You guys? I gotta go now," said Jon, "See you at the practice space tomorrow?"
"Yup," answered Spencer, "Same time as always!"
After Jon had left, Ryan said, "You know what I just realized?"
"What?" asked Spencer.
"Brendon's ideas suck." said Ryan, "See ya!"
And with that the two walked away in opposite directions.
***
The End.