Keltie Coleen had been dancing for years when she met Ryan Ross. When she recieved that fateful phonecall from her manager, telling her that she was needed to dance for a band called Panic! At The Disco - "some Marilyn-Manson-wannabes," in her manager's opinion, which showed how much her manager knew - it did not even cross her mind that she would soon begin a long relationship with the guitarist of the very band that she would be dancing for. However, when Ryan and Keltie first layed eyes on each other, something just clicked... at least it seemed to for Ryan. Keltie had never been all that attracted to Ryan, but she liked the pretty things that he bought for her, so she had decided not to dump him for the time being. The only problem was, as P!ATD became more and more famous, Ryan became more and more dependant on Keltie to comfort him when the press, or even a random blogger, said something unkind about P!ATD. Keltie did not want Ryan to be unhappy, and it wasn't as though she had anything better to do than date the lead guitarist of a ridiculously popular band, so she never did get around to telling him that it was over.
***
"Keltie!" Ryan's eyes shone with an invigorated glow that nobody had seen since he was in highschool, "Keltie! I missed you so, so much!"
"Ryan! You're back!" Keltie answered, coming out of the kitchen of her apartment, which Ryan had just entered.
Ryan had been on tour lately, and he and Keltie hadn't seen each other in weeks. While she had missed Ryan, Keltie had to admit to herself that she enjoyed not having to look out for his feelings. Being by herself gave her time to spend time with some of her friends from before she met Ryan, friends who she hadn't seen in a long time. But now Ryan was back, and it was time to put all that behind her. She had work to do.
"Oh, Keltie, it's so good to see you!" Ryan's eyes filled with an inocent sadness, "I've heard so many cruel things, Keltie! Some of them were said right to my face. There was one dick," a look of pure hatred came over his face, "He called me a fag. I hate that word! Like I'm gay. Like there's even anything wrong with being gay!"
Keltie's heart was breaking. How could she ever have thought those mean things about Ryan? She looked at his shining eyes, and knew that she would never be able to bring herself to do anything that would bring him more sadness than he already dealt with. It was almost as though he was her little brother, one that she was commited to taking care of, no matter how unhappy it made her.
***
Two weeks later, Keltie was finding herself more and more bored in Ryan's company. She tried to tell herself that things could be worse. She remembered a time when the lead singer of Panic!, Brendon Urie, had been going out with Audrey Kitching. Keltie had been expected to pal around with Audrey, who had obviously taken being an internet phenomenon to heart. After a few weeks with good ol' Audrey, Keltie was sure she would pull out her own fingernails if she ever heard the words "Hello Kitty" again.
Even though things were better now, Keltie found herself wishing that Ryan would just leave her alone, cease to exist, whatever. Whenever she caught herself thinking things like this, the guilt would set in and she would try to forget about it, although it was difficult to forget about the hours that she spent trying to sit through Ryan babbling on about whatever was on his mind. So she started trying to get Ryan to dump her.
***
"Ryan!" Keltie called, "Ryan! What are you doing?"
Ryan and Keltie had been going for a walk in the park, and Ryan had stopped to get a picture with a few fans that had spotted them.
"Ryan, this was supposed to be time for just you and me! How can you think of your fans at a time like this?" Keltie knew that if there was one thing Ryan hated, it was turning down fans for an aughtograph. Once he saw that she was going to prevent him from signing every one that came his way, Keltie was sure that he would dump her.
"But, Keltie..." Ryan looked longingly at his fans, and then, to Keltie's surprise, sheepishly turned and followed her.
***
Keltie tryed for months on end to get Ryan to dump her, but soon found that nothing she could do would ever be seen as wrong in his eyes. So she decided to do something... drastic. Keltie Colleen decided to commit suicide.
Keltie would sit up at night trying to talk herself out of it, but everytime she remembered Ryan's needy eyes, her resolve would become iron-clad. It's like my life isn't my own anymore, she would think to herself, I have to get out of here!
And so it came to pass that one night, after a fit of crying and listening to Hinder (hey, she though, if I'm going to die anyway I may as well be as miserable as possible) Keltie filled the bath tub with water and got into it fully dressed. She then produced a razor blade and began to cut accross her wrist, but then stopped. I should stop being a wimp and slit my wrists like I mean it, she thought. She then proceeded to cut up the vein.
***
The next day, Ryan found her. It ruined his life for a little while, but he soon recovered, and went on to write the best lyrics of his life about this tramatic event. So, it was all for the best, after all.
***
The End
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Monday, September 3, 2007
Fall Out Boy Assassinate Ashlee Simpson
"Tra-la-la!" sang out Pete Wentz as he skipped into Patrick Stump's apartment, "What's happening, Pat?" he asked.
Patrick was the singer of the band Fall Out Boy, the same band that Pete played the bass in. Andy Hurley and Joe Trohman rounded the group out as the drummer and kick-ass guitarist. Patrick sighed wearily and answered, "Trying to get some peace and quiet. And Pete, why are you... skipping?" he raised his eyebrows incredulously.
"It's because I'm in lo-o-o-ove!" Pete held out the last word while twirling in a circle.
"Not again?" asked Patrick. He knew how it was with Pete, a new "one true love" every month.
"Oh, don't be like that, Pat!" said Pete, grinning and rolling his eyes, "You're such a skeptic. If I didn't know better, I'd think you were jealous!"
"You wish. So, who's the lucky girl?"
"Oh, just a little person I like to call... Ashlee Simpson."
Patrick gasped, "What? Ashlee "I-can't-really-sing-live-I-just-lipsynch" Simpson? Pete! How could you?"
"There's no need to get pissy." Pete frowned, "And I'd appreciate it if you'd have some respect. She is my girlfriend, after all."
"Pete!"
"That's enough!" said Pete angrily, "If you aren't happy for me, I'll just go find someone who is!"
"Pete, I hope you realize that none of your fan-girls are going to be happy for you, either." said Patrick, "So blogging about Ashlee on friendsorenemies.com is not going to get you any sympathy."
"Yes it will! You don't know anything!" cried Pete as he stalked out of Patrick's apartment.
Patrick sighed and picked up the phone. He was going to have to do something about this...
***
An hour later, Patrick, Joe, and Andy had congregated at a local Starbucks. Patrick had three venti mochas in front of him, as well as a decaf caremal macchiato. Joe had an espresso, but was too busy tapping away on his game boy to drink any of it. Andy was sipping a fresh carrot and apple smoothie.
"So, Pat, why did you ask us to meet you here?" asked Andy, "Joe! Knock that off!" he glared at Joe who sheepishly put his game boy down and took a sip of his espresso.
"Well, Pete just told me that he has a new girlfriend." Patrick said.
"Hey Hey You You-"Joe burst into song, but at a murderous glance from Andy cut himself off with a "Sorry."
"Do you have to sing that every time someone mentions the word 'girlfriend'?" asked Patrick, "And anyway, this is important because guess who Pete's new love interest is?"
"Umm... Madonna?" asked Joe.
"Worse. It's," Patrick took a deep breath as he prepared to deliver the terrible news, "Ashlee Simpson."
There was an absolute silence at the table as Pat's words sank in. Finally, Joe broke the ice, "You're kidding." he said.
"I wish I was." Patrick answered, "But it's true. Luckily, I have a plan."
"What is it?" asked Andy, "Although if it involves cruelty to animals you know I can't participate. It's a principals thing."
"Andy, why would my plan to brake Pete and Ashlee up involve cruelty to animals?" asked Patrick.
"I dunno. Just making sure." said Andy, "So anyway, what is your plan?"
"My plan," said Patrick, "Is to make Pete fall in love with Jeffree Star so that he forgets Ashlee even exists!"
***
The following is a phone conversation between Patrick Stump (PS) and Jeffree Star (J*)
J*: Hi it's Jeffree.
PS: Jeffree! Buddy! How's it goin'?
J*: Who the fuck are you?
PS: Patrick Stump.
J*: Omigod! Pat! You don't mind if I call you Pat, right? This is just such an honor! What do you want?
PS: Well... I think this might sound a little strange...
J*: This is me you're talking to. I think I can handle "strange".
PS: Well, the thing is... Well... Um... You know Pete Wentz, right?
J*: Oh, sure! What a cutie.
PS: Yeah, well... I kind of need you to, um, seduce him.
J*: What?
PS: I knew you wouldn't want to. Tell you what, sorry I called, just forget I said anything-
J*: No, I meant do you actually want me to seduce seduce him, or just cause a little crush? Take his mind off of something? Or someone...
PS: Oh! Uh... Whatever you want, I guess-
J*: OK, see ya.
***
Pete's fingers pounded the keyboard furiously. Much as he hated to admit it, Patrick had been right. He wasn't getting much support for his love of Ashlee Simpson online. He looked up as he heard the doorbell ring.
"Pete Wentz! How are you?" Jeffree Star smiled as Pete opened the door.
"Um, OK, I guess..." Pete looked at J* questioningly.
"I bet you're wondering why I dropped by!" Jeffree's voice dripped with sweetness.
"Uh, yeah..."
"The truth is, I just had to see you."
"Had to see me?"
"Yes." Jeffree smiled coyly at Pete.
"Wait..." said Pete.
Barging past Pete and into his apartment, Jeffree said, "Sometimes, I swear, men can be so dense." he paused and fluttered his fake eyelashes at Pete. The next thing he knew, Jeffree had been pushed out of the apartment and was standing looking angrily at a closed door.
"If you messed up my hair..." he said warningly before marching off to make an angry phone call.
***
The following is yet another phone conversation between Patrick Stump (PS) and Jeffree Star (J*).
PS: Hello?
J*: [uninterpretable string of insults and derogatory terms]
PS: Jeffree?
J*: [dial tone]
***
The next day Patrick called Joe and Andy back to the same Starbucks and told them that his plan had failed. After much speculation they decided that the best thing to do would be to simply kill Ashlee Simpson.
"I think we should slit her throat with a knife." said Joe.
"How about a butcher knife?" asked Andy, "As kind of a reference to Jeffree Star. You know, he has that song 'eyelash curlers and butcher knives (what's the difference?)', so it could be like kind of an ironic reference to the fact that he wasn't able to save Ashlee's life by getting Pete to break up with her..."
"You think too much." said Joe, "But I think that a butcher knife is definitely the way to go."
***
That very night, while Pete and Ashlee were in a darkened movie theater, Joe (who had been given the task of sneaking up on them because he was deemed the most agile) quietly crawled along the sticky floor, trying not to crunch on any spilled popcorn, until he made it to where the two lovebirds were sitting. Then, without further ado, he reached up and slit Ashlee's throat before scurrying away.
***
I will leave it up to you to imagine the chaos that ensued when the lights went up and Pete saw the corpse of his love interest laying dead on the plush seats of the movie theater. I assure you it was well worth the fact that Joe's jeans were all sticky for weeks afterward.
***
The End
Patrick was the singer of the band Fall Out Boy, the same band that Pete played the bass in. Andy Hurley and Joe Trohman rounded the group out as the drummer and kick-ass guitarist. Patrick sighed wearily and answered, "Trying to get some peace and quiet. And Pete, why are you... skipping?" he raised his eyebrows incredulously.
"It's because I'm in lo-o-o-ove!" Pete held out the last word while twirling in a circle.
"Not again?" asked Patrick. He knew how it was with Pete, a new "one true love" every month.
"Oh, don't be like that, Pat!" said Pete, grinning and rolling his eyes, "You're such a skeptic. If I didn't know better, I'd think you were jealous!"
"You wish. So, who's the lucky girl?"
"Oh, just a little person I like to call... Ashlee Simpson."
Patrick gasped, "What? Ashlee "I-can't-really-sing-live-I-just-lipsynch" Simpson? Pete! How could you?"
"There's no need to get pissy." Pete frowned, "And I'd appreciate it if you'd have some respect. She is my girlfriend, after all."
"Pete!"
"That's enough!" said Pete angrily, "If you aren't happy for me, I'll just go find someone who is!"
"Pete, I hope you realize that none of your fan-girls are going to be happy for you, either." said Patrick, "So blogging about Ashlee on friendsorenemies.com is not going to get you any sympathy."
"Yes it will! You don't know anything!" cried Pete as he stalked out of Patrick's apartment.
Patrick sighed and picked up the phone. He was going to have to do something about this...
***
An hour later, Patrick, Joe, and Andy had congregated at a local Starbucks. Patrick had three venti mochas in front of him, as well as a decaf caremal macchiato. Joe had an espresso, but was too busy tapping away on his game boy to drink any of it. Andy was sipping a fresh carrot and apple smoothie.
"So, Pat, why did you ask us to meet you here?" asked Andy, "Joe! Knock that off!" he glared at Joe who sheepishly put his game boy down and took a sip of his espresso.
"Well, Pete just told me that he has a new girlfriend." Patrick said.
"Hey Hey You You-"Joe burst into song, but at a murderous glance from Andy cut himself off with a "Sorry."
"Do you have to sing that every time someone mentions the word 'girlfriend'?" asked Patrick, "And anyway, this is important because guess who Pete's new love interest is?"
"Umm... Madonna?" asked Joe.
"Worse. It's," Patrick took a deep breath as he prepared to deliver the terrible news, "Ashlee Simpson."
There was an absolute silence at the table as Pat's words sank in. Finally, Joe broke the ice, "You're kidding." he said.
"I wish I was." Patrick answered, "But it's true. Luckily, I have a plan."
"What is it?" asked Andy, "Although if it involves cruelty to animals you know I can't participate. It's a principals thing."
"Andy, why would my plan to brake Pete and Ashlee up involve cruelty to animals?" asked Patrick.
"I dunno. Just making sure." said Andy, "So anyway, what is your plan?"
"My plan," said Patrick, "Is to make Pete fall in love with Jeffree Star so that he forgets Ashlee even exists!"
***
The following is a phone conversation between Patrick Stump (PS) and Jeffree Star (J*)
J*: Hi it's Jeffree.
PS: Jeffree! Buddy! How's it goin'?
J*: Who the fuck are you?
PS: Patrick Stump.
J*: Omigod! Pat! You don't mind if I call you Pat, right? This is just such an honor! What do you want?
PS: Well... I think this might sound a little strange...
J*: This is me you're talking to. I think I can handle "strange".
PS: Well, the thing is... Well... Um... You know Pete Wentz, right?
J*: Oh, sure! What a cutie.
PS: Yeah, well... I kind of need you to, um, seduce him.
J*: What?
PS: I knew you wouldn't want to. Tell you what, sorry I called, just forget I said anything-
J*: No, I meant do you actually want me to seduce seduce him, or just cause a little crush? Take his mind off of something? Or someone...
PS: Oh! Uh... Whatever you want, I guess-
J*: OK, see ya.
***
Pete's fingers pounded the keyboard furiously. Much as he hated to admit it, Patrick had been right. He wasn't getting much support for his love of Ashlee Simpson online. He looked up as he heard the doorbell ring.
"Pete Wentz! How are you?" Jeffree Star smiled as Pete opened the door.
"Um, OK, I guess..." Pete looked at J* questioningly.
"I bet you're wondering why I dropped by!" Jeffree's voice dripped with sweetness.
"Uh, yeah..."
"The truth is, I just had to see you."
"Had to see me?"
"Yes." Jeffree smiled coyly at Pete.
"Wait..." said Pete.
Barging past Pete and into his apartment, Jeffree said, "Sometimes, I swear, men can be so dense." he paused and fluttered his fake eyelashes at Pete. The next thing he knew, Jeffree had been pushed out of the apartment and was standing looking angrily at a closed door.
"If you messed up my hair..." he said warningly before marching off to make an angry phone call.
***
The following is yet another phone conversation between Patrick Stump (PS) and Jeffree Star (J*).
PS: Hello?
J*: [uninterpretable string of insults and derogatory terms]
PS: Jeffree?
J*: [dial tone]
***
The next day Patrick called Joe and Andy back to the same Starbucks and told them that his plan had failed. After much speculation they decided that the best thing to do would be to simply kill Ashlee Simpson.
"I think we should slit her throat with a knife." said Joe.
"How about a butcher knife?" asked Andy, "As kind of a reference to Jeffree Star. You know, he has that song 'eyelash curlers and butcher knives (what's the difference?)', so it could be like kind of an ironic reference to the fact that he wasn't able to save Ashlee's life by getting Pete to break up with her..."
"You think too much." said Joe, "But I think that a butcher knife is definitely the way to go."
***
That very night, while Pete and Ashlee were in a darkened movie theater, Joe (who had been given the task of sneaking up on them because he was deemed the most agile) quietly crawled along the sticky floor, trying not to crunch on any spilled popcorn, until he made it to where the two lovebirds were sitting. Then, without further ado, he reached up and slit Ashlee's throat before scurrying away.
***
I will leave it up to you to imagine the chaos that ensued when the lights went up and Pete saw the corpse of his love interest laying dead on the plush seats of the movie theater. I assure you it was well worth the fact that Joe's jeans were all sticky for weeks afterward.
***
The End
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