Hannah Montanna Assassinates Jeffree Starr

Nobody really liked Hannah Montanna. Sure, she had all those eleven-year-old fans who were willing to drop 2 k plus on her arena tour, but, really, she knew that those didn't count. Did eleven year olds have any kind of a taste in music? No, they did not, and therefore couldn't be real fans. And every demographic that Hannah Montannah did consider to have good taste in music seemed to be avoiding her like the plague. Hannah Montannah blamed Disney for this. If only they wouldn't market her like a teeny-bop pop princess, and maybe let her viewers and listeners see into the real woman that she was, Hannah knew that she would be able to garner an audience of real music fans. The kind of people who sit around in coffee shops and discuss the latest releases of bands like Minus The Bear, before heading off to see a show in some dingy club with twenty other people. Hannah sighed. The sadest part was that she didn't even know who Minus The Bear were, and yet they were obviously so much cooler than her. She contemplated how it was possible that everybody knew who she was, and yet she was uncool... uncool and unrespected.
***
And so, Hannah developed a plan. She didn't tell anybody, because the whole purpose of this plan was to prove that she could do anything she put her mind to... alone. She wrote it down in her sparkling pink and purple diary, wrote it down in her blue furry pen with the cheetah print, and knew that this plan would not fail.
***
Hannah Montanna had an older brother, Trace. Trace was in a band called Metro Station, and therefore, Hannah Felt that he must have connections... connections with Cool People. Hannah asked Trace to introduce her to some of the coolest people that he knew. Trace introduced her to the band Cobra Starship, but Miley didn't like the girl, Vicky T, because Vicky T had better fashion sense than her. Hannah knew that there must be cooler people out there. Trace introduced Hannah to every American-Apparel-shopping, scene-music-generating band that he knew, but Hannah knew that none of them were the coolest people in the world. Hannah was almost ready to give up her search, until the day that she met Jeffree Starr. Jeffree had come to see Trace's band play, and Hannah had met him backstage. When Hannah saw the blinding glow of his pinknes, and saw the way that he was the bitchiest, scenest person in the room without even trying, she knew that he was the one.
***
And so that night, Hannah suffocated J* with a pillow, and then confessed everything to the press, who ate it up. And finally, all of the Cool People noticed her, and gave her more than two seconds thought. However, the only respect that she got from them was the respect that anyone would get for killing J*, which was that they were amazed he hadn't absolutely killed her just for looking at him, much less strangling him with a pillowcase. But that's just the way it goes for those Disney-fueled singers.